My hair clearly indicated I had given up on my day today before it had even started. Go ahead, ask any of my co-workers. Equally true, I am quickly realizing that I have given up on this year by January 3rd. I already concluded that I have zero hopes for 2018 because currently I’m doing the parent life thing (and I’m tired most of the time, like really really tired).
The longer I sat on that last sentence the more I decided that being a mom had become my excuse for not pursuing goals for myself and that within the depths of such a simple sentence, there was a lie. Essentially, that’s what an excuse is.
We excuse ourselves from close relationships when doubt and the feeling of being unlovable creep in.
We excuse ourselves from volunteering our time or gifts, because we feel overwhelmed with our time as it is.
We excuse ourselves from putting a dream into action and giving it 100%, because we worry that other places in our life will lose a piece of us in return.
An excuse is an action that we might use to cover up different aspects of our unique design. The same designer of the mountains, depths of the oceans and the unknown in space—who created intricate details on every flower, insect, fingerprint, sea creature, cells that run through our bodies—that same designer created passions, hopes and desires within you and me. And I refuse to believe that any piece of creation was designed without a greater purpose.
We can feel bound by the pressures of the day to day and easily lose sight of other hopes and goals that we were created to fulfill.
I understand that the thought of pursuing our own dreams and passions can seem selfish. I have moments where – in my very small-minded and basic opinion (mind you) – the Christian faith seems only about selflessness, sacrifice, hard-ships and trials (not that these aren’t part of it). The more I have made my faith my own, the more I have decided for myself that when I am functioning within how I was created, I am at my best.
When I choose to put forth effort into areas of my life that I know I am designed to need and fulfill, I am the best Janna you will have encountered. When I don’t, I am the epitome of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, constantly feeling sorry for myself.
Two examples of my excuses are living in community and writing.
Community seems so simplistic. I have had patterns of running away from relationships once I get burned or my feelings get hurt, but I wasn’t created for isolation. I was created for a small group of close knit friends who fight for each other, and I need/desire that for me to function well in other areas of my life. The enemy weasels his way in through moments of doubt and reminds me of past betrayals and hurts so that my heart will keep its distance.
I have been journaling since my first “dear diary” entry on Sept. 26, 1992. I consider myself the original creeper, because in elementary school I would sit in class and write about what everyone else was doing in class: “Jeremy is putting his pen in his mouth while shaking his leg.”
Real earth-shattering stuff. My mother had a boxful of writings like this. In my 20’s I decided to blog, it seemed up my alley but as I got into it, more people started blogging and I worried that my voice was irrelevant, and I hated almost everything I wrote.
But isn’t that just like the enemy? To swoop in and steal a piece of my joy by poking holes in my unique design through subtle whispers of, “Your words are pointless. Shouldn’t you have something more theological to say as a pastor’s wife? You are so unqualified.”
Let’s bind those lies this year. Bind the lies that try to creep in when you and we start to dream, hope and pursue passions, because the enemy would prefer that we remain dormant. Work hard, with a passion in your heart all in the name of Jesus.
May 2018 be a year with less Wheel of Fortune (we live an exciting life) and more time reading, praying and living in the fulness of who we were created to be.