One of the exercises I ask couples to do as they prepare for their wedding is to write their own vows—or at least pull together the core content. Often, I receive some really wise and thoughtful words. And then sometimes it’s a challenge to work with the raw material I’m given. A groom several years ago sent me his input the day before the wedding…
“I appreciate your work ethic and your desire for self-improvement.”
But more than anything, this “vow exercise” has taught me about the tyranny of a misplaced pursuit.
- You’re my rock, my strength, my comfort, my everything
- You’re the reason I get up each day
- When I think of love, you define love for me
It sounds beautiful…poetic…Hallmark-movie-like but it’s a recipe for disaster. The pressure of those expectations being placed on the altar of marriage will choke the life out of it.
Your spouse cannot be your Messiah, your rescuer, your healer, your Savior.
Your spouse cannot be your sole source of hope, light, peace, joy.
Your spouse is not big enough, strong enough, loving enough, gracious enough to fulfill you in the ways your inmost being is longing to be fulfilled.
Your spouse can only ever be…your spouse...nothing more, nothing less.
To press them to be more for you than God created them to be will usher in conflict, tension and a steady stream of unmet expectations. No matter how “Mr. Right” he is or how “Ms. Right” she is, the marriage altar will not make you whole—it will not fill in all the crevices of your heart, it won’t solve your loneliness or fix your brokenness.
Which means the greatest gift you could give your spouse is your personal wholeness in Christ.
Whole person + whole person = whole marriage. Two halves don’t make a whole in the arena of marriage and family life.
Become satisfied with all that God is for you in Jesus, put your roots down deeply into Him, grow in your identity of who God says you are in Jesus. Live a God-soaked life where Christ is your ALL. Then, from that base, move toward your spouse and find the freedom that Jesus offers in His yoke.
"Your choice of who to marry is more crucial than everything else combined you will ever do to make your marriage succeed." – Neil Warren
**If you missed this past Sunday then click here to catch up. I took a deeper dive into marriage & family life from Colossians 3.