I have really struggled to find my rhythm—really any rhythm—to allow silence/solitude in my life.
I decided to get up at 6am because most mornings the kids don’t get up until 7am. I pictured myself sitting at the kitchen table with my hot coffee and time; time to reflect, pray and read.
Now, let’s go ahead and take that beautiful picture, spill all my coffee on it and set it on fire because it was that disastrous. I concluded that it doesn’t matter what time my kids normally wake up, if I get up, they get up.
It’s like they can hear me blinking.
I then attempted the before bedtime routine, where I would sit with a hot drink while Justin and I happily read before bed. We would simultaneously put our books down, turn off our lights and say good night—all by 9pm. I laugh at that version of myself because it’s not me…it’s not us—especially with summer on the horizon. I would rather be sitting outside watching the sun go down, chatting about my day and watching the kids play at 9pm.
I decided to stop trying because I was failing miserably.
I chose to wallow for a few months, but the Lord started to stir some unsettledness in my soul and I finally realized I was too tired to deal with myself in my own strength.
I had a conversation with Justin one week where I was whining about life. I felt stuck—like I was just mimicking every day motions. Justin pointed me back to carving out some time, not “me” time, but time where I could start to discern God’s voice again.
This week began my 4th consecutive week of my new rhythm. I have been waking up at 6:15am on Tuesdays and Thursdays. My goal is to be in the office by 7am, the first ten minutes I sit in silence—which could be an entire blog in itself. My mind is so scattered and it’s difficult for me to stay focused on simply being with Jesus.
Here’s an “example”:
“Your servant is here, Lord.”
“What would I do if an intruder came in right now?”
“No, no no….I am here to be with you, Lord.”
“Why is Chef Gordon Ramsey my celebrity crush?”
“I want to start a band and call it ‘Janneration’.”
“Something is seriously wrong with me.”
With the first ten minutes, I do my very best to sit, listen and wait (I have to set a stop watch). This has been really hard. The first time I did this, I felt like my time was ending and I was only two minutes in.
Time cannot be rushed.
I read my Bible using a yearly plan and my goal is simply to understand the heart of God more.
I spend time in prayer at the end. Praying for friends, family and things stirring in my heart. Big and bold prayers with no fancy words and a lot of “uhhs.”
I finish with five more minutes of silence.
Personally, this has been an act of obedience. I understand it requires patience/time, but I am expectant. As of today, I am still the selfish, quick to speak, jealous, angry, (not all at once, they take shifts) basic sinful person, BUT I believe any time you step into an act of obedience—shift from your comfort zone and deeply desire to know God more—He will meet you there.
I also believe through this silence, there is an acknowledgment of things that need to be chipped away in my life and some fruits of the spirit that haven’t been cared for well can be pruned and will flourish.
Here has been my prayer:
“Give me strength for today to live in your likeness to the very best of my ability.”
If you feel like you are just wandering from day to day, there is a rhythm for you, even if you are waking up early to sit in a dark church basement. He will meet you where ever you are, whenever.
Book recommendations: Deeper Water by Denise Hughes and The Way of the Heart by Henri Nouwen